My Own Worst Enemy

It’s one of those days.

The panic is reaching from my stomach all the way up to my throat. And squeezing.

It has been a few months since I have had a paying freelance job. I have been finishing other writing projects, hoping they’d pay off, but they haven’t. It’s my worst fear that my selfish creative pursuits would be costly to my family.

I spent most of the morning sending out emails and resumes, and everyone’s been helpful with whatever leads they have. It reminds me that even though I am extraordinarily hard on myself, and see only flaws, other people remember that I do good work. I have been bashing my head in over a couple of particularly bad mistakes, and letting them hold me back from really venturing out because I’m just terrified of further embarrassment. I’ve been sticking with “safe” jobs, ones that I feel absolutely sure I can do, and with people I feel very comfortable with. For a freelance writer, this is one of the stupidest things you can do.

Let me be a lesson to you. Do everything you can and don’t let your mistakes hold you back. I tell my daughter this all the time: “Every time you make a mistake you learn something new.” But do I take my own advice? Ha. OK, so I’ve finally learned something about self-sabotage.

I may tell you about my BIG MISTAKES someday. I am still hanging my head in shame. But not today. I’m not ready to be that open… yet.