FVT III: Kin of Fatty

So a few years ago we planted a vegetable garden, and then a groundhog moved into our yard. We named her Fatty von TomatoStealer. Well, I did. She ate our tomatoes and everything else we’d planted and since then, we tried everything to get rid of her. She was huge. She scared the bejeeses out of my mother, who is unfamiliar with North American wildlife. She delighted my daughter, and then my son came along, and he didn’t seem to care.

Anyway, two years ago, after spending a lot of money on traps and professional removers, several of Fatty’s offspring were caught and released into the wild. Unfortunately, Fatty still remained AT LARGE. Sadly, a truck caught up with her on Dean Street, a main road at the bottom of our hill. I was sad that she’d been killed, but also happy that my groundhog woes were over.

And then…

Over the weekend, we came back from bike riding to find a smaller groundhog eating the hostas near the kitchen. I mean, are you serious? I had already cleared out a space for the kitchen garden and I planned on planting this weekend. Now I’m going to have to construct a fence. Aggravating.

Also, a mother dove has nested in my front flower beds and when I was propping up the irises with stakes over the weekend, I must’ve gotten too close to the nest, because she attacked me. It’s a good thing my giant afro provides an adequate forcefield.

Then there are the mobster squirrels who fight over territory that happens to bisect in the middle of my yard. These guys are such hardened suburban wildlife, that they dont’ scamper away when the kids and I come out. Instead, they stand their ground, ready to pounce. They scare me. I don’t know if they’re rabid and I don’t want to find out when one of them bites me, or more likely my 3 year old son, who thinks chasing them down is good sport.

I don’t mind sharing my yard with critters. But do they have to be so scary?

And I haven’t even told you about Odiferous Stinko and the rest of the skunk clan who bunk beneath our porch annually. They haven’t showed up yet. …