People, I have found the answer to all your problems. And like all good solutions, it’s easy to come by, requires no effort on your part, and can be implemented for just pennies a day. I know, right? It’s an amazing scientific discovery that comes in a bottle. It’s called Screwitall 3000.*
Boss breathing down your neck? Screwitall will make his breathing seem like a gentle Caribbean breeze.
Kid doing poorly at school? Screwitall will remind you that those failures are merely trials that haven’t worked out yet.
Rejection letters piling up? Screwitall will help you notice that if you turn them upside down, the patterns of the words are really pretty!
Office dinosaur poop on your desk? Screwitall turns that poop into ice-cream. (Albeit, Rocky Road.)
There has never been a medical breakthrough like this one. Scientists have been working for years on something like this, only to have the actual discovery come from a loner Grandpa futilely working on a weed killer that got rid of weeds, and pesky lawn-destroying children at the same time. Imagine Grandpa Joe’s surprise when he accidentally drank his potion, mistaking it for his morning shot of whiskey, and then rushed to the hospital fully expecting to die from the weed and child-deterrent toxins, only to find that not only was he perfectly fine, but his broken hip was healed, he wasn’t grumpy even though he didn’t have his morning shot of whiskey, and his old-man smell had entirely disappeared. He now smells like a gentle ocean breeze.
Grandpa Joe quickly discovered that his potion was good for much more than hip-healing, mood-altering, and odor-fighting. It healed pretty much everything that bothered anyone. Pharma companies descended on him like locusts vying for the formula. But after another dose of Screwitall, he told them where to shove it and is marketing his product solo.
So if you too, want all your problems to disappear, try Grandpa Joe’s Screwitall 3000 for just $19.95 a bottle. You won’t be sorry you did.
(Not FDA approved. May cause eye-twitching, excessive yelling, extra toes, middle-finger-up syndrome, and painful not giving a crap.)