No Big Deal-itis

I’m beginning to see a pattern in the conversations I have with people. All people about all things. It’s very late of me to notice this, I know. And it’s not for a lack of people pointing it out my entire life, (see: any conversation with my mother), it’s just that I wasn’t listening. Sorry Mom!

Here’s an example of my self-diagnosed No Big Deal-itis :

Grover, on my office floor, listening to all these conversations in utter disbelief…

Agent: Here’s news about this really great thing!

Me: Meh.

Agent: Exciting right?

Me: Yeah.

LATER…

Me: Hey friend. My agent told me this nice thing.

Friend: Amazing! You worked so hard for that. You totally deserve it.

Me: I guess.

Friend: And how did your surgery go yesterday?

Me: *shrugs* I’m totally fine. Let’s do something strenuous that will not at all put me back in the hospital.

Friend: Umm…

Women tend to downplay their accomplishments (see: impostor syndrome). Women who are writers are probably the worst at this, because all (most?) writers have impostor syndrome. Women also tend to downplay their weaknesses. Like that time I was building an 8-foot tall dollhouse for my daughter WHILE going through chemo when what I should have done was my lie my behind down.

I’m not saying this to make any profound statement about women or even myself, other than: I’m going to try not to be so hard on myself. And since I have the opportunity right now, I’m going to take a nap. Or at least sit down and try not to think about all the things I have to do. For like, 10 minutes.

Baby steps.

Let your brain blink

I’ll do my “blinking” in the hammock.

My husband asked me to do nothing for six months. No extra projects. No volunteer work. No extending my help to others at the expense of my own time. I balked at first. Six months of doing nothing? I asked. Yes, he said. That’s boring, I told him, but I compromised, agreeing to take a break for one month. I didn’t even notice when that month turned into two. It turned out that not feeling tense every day about a constantly-replenishing to-do list was pretty nice. But it wasn’t just that. My brain needed to blink.

There was a documentary about creativity on the Science Channel tonight. I turned it on just as a scientist was explaining that the moment of epiphany does not happen in an instant like we think. Before it happens, our brains have a burst of Alpha waves that shuts down visual information. Like your brain blinking. Then the idea has a chance to bubble up. You probably have experienced this: when an idea is coming, the world goes a little fuzzy. At least it does for me. That’s Alpha waves slowing how much information comes in, allowing us to get those good ideas. Just like my husband’s idea about not doing anything for a while allowed many more ideas to come to me.

Of course, I didn’t exactly do NOTHING. I worked on a client’s manuscript, met my agent for dinner after BEA and talked shop, kids, and the joys of dessert, finished the final revisions to my novel, began to research two other books, spoke on two panels and moderated a third at the BooksNJ event last Sunday, and I even finished reading a few books. But for me, it’s as close to nothing as I get. The point is, now I’m itching to start writing again, though I wonder how much more I’d get if I let my brain “blink” for a little while longer.

A few more days on hiatus won’t kill me…

Service

I came across this meme on Facebook over the summer, and saved it to my desktop. Every now and then, I take a look at it. As you know, recently my family has dealt with breast cancer, layoffs, and (along with everyone else) a lagging economy. However, I have been feeling blessed and fortunate, and because numbers appeal to me, this meme really stuck.

On January 19th, President Obama has called for everyone to participate in a National Day of Service. I don’t care whether you like the president or not. Volunteering to help others is good. I am considering signing up to give blood and platelets at Memorial Sloan Kettering in NYC. Someone else’s blood and platelets made a huge difference in my life toward the end of chemo, and I’d like to give back. But I haven’t signed up yet because I absolutely hate needles (despite the many that I’ve endured since the diagnosis) and volunteering my arm is not easy for me to do. I’m sure I will do it, I just haven’t quite been able to click that button yet.

If you are interested in volunteering click here to find an opportunity near you.

My Birthday, World Read Aloud Day, and a Ton of Luck

I usually don’t make a huge deal about my birthday, but this one is particularly special. It’s not the number. It’s that a year ago, I wasn’t sure I’d live to see it. Just over a year ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

My diagnosis felt like a death sentence. It wasn’t, but I didn’t know that at the time. I was completely unprepared. Not knowing anyone else who had it, I had no point of reference for what lay ahead. I told my immediate family and a very select group of friends. Each of their reactions was another small hell, as they tried to grapple with the news. But that was nothing compared to the barrage of questions from health professionals as I began my treatment.

They all wanted to know how I had developed cancer so young, and their questions felt more like accusations. Aren’t you in your thirties? Is there family history? Are you a smoker? I was at a loss to answer. I had no close family with cancer. I don’t smoke, or drink. I’m thin, eat well, and exercise.

With each question, I was tempted to confess that I’d bought cancer at the store, that I ate nicotine like gummi bears, and that I googled “cancer-causing areas” and built my house there. At the end of every appointment I felt like punching someone in the face. That I was never snarky, or violent is a testament to how emotionally exhausted I was. I listened politely, told jokes and reassured everyone that I was handling things fine. I lied, lied, lied.

But I was lucky, as lucky as you can be with cancer. It was found early. How had my doctor found it so soon? The answer was luck. It was luck that made my OB/Gyn send me for a mammogram a few months after my son was born. It was luck that the radiologist’s office did follow ups every two years. And it was luck that I was due for a biennial mammogram before the cancer got any larger. This was only my third mammogram. Women my age wouldn’t normally get screened for another six or seven years. Luck.

At BooksNJ. My hair was gone a couple of weeks later.

Working from home was a huge bonus last year. I could maintain a pleasant public façade and keep my terror private. I planned my son’s 5^th birthday party, met friends for dinner, movies, drinks. I helped with other people’s wedding plans, chatted on Facebook and Twitter, kept working. All the while, I was having surgery, recovering, and then beginning radiation.The annual Kid Lit Drinks night after BEA presented my first public dilemma. I was still getting radiation, and I couldn’t wear deodorant that contained aluminum (they all do). Drinks night is notoriously crowded. And crowds mean sweaty pits. Would anyone notice? If they did, could I blame the stink on another author? In the nick of time, a friend found a non-aluminum substitute so my pits wouldn’t offend.

My next public appearance was the BooksNJ event in Paramus. It was a bright, sunny day. Thank you new deodorant! It was also my last public appearance, and as all the authors were required to have their photo taken, it was also the last picture taken with all of my hair.

Chemo was on the horizon. I delayed it until the end of the school year so I could palm my kids off on my parents in Trinidad for the summer. Then I only had myself to think about. Worried friends came to help. I was so grateful for their company, I wanted to cry. I didn’t. They were concerned enough. My hair started falling out the week that a friend had come in from New Mexico. Another friend drove up from Pennsylvania, and a third took the bus over from New York. I enjoyed their company, and kept my hair in a ponytail. After they were all gone I washed it, and huge clumps came loose from my scalp and got tangled in the hair that was left. I stood in front of the mirror with a pair of scissors for an hour, but couldn’t figure out where to begin cutting. When my husband came home from work I was wearing a scarf over the matted tufts of hair that were still hanging on. He shaved my head and made me look in the mirror. “You have a perfect head for being bald,” he said. It wasn’t much of a bright side. I started wearing scarves, and avoided reflective surfaces like mirrors, pots, puddles, and other people’s eyeballs.

I avoided photos, but my cousin managed to take this one of Darryl and I the day before our anniversary at a park overlooking the GWB.

Somehow, I made it through the three months of chemo. I’m still in treatment, and will be for a few more months, but the really tough stuff is over. Good thing too because by the end, I was sucking blood like a vampire just to hold my head up. In the hospital they call those blood transfusions. They’re super fun.

A few weeks ago in my office. The return of the 'fro!

Over the last year, I learned things that you can only find out the hard way. I worry less. I do more. I started my own business. And today I celebrate not just a day I wasn’t sure I’d live to see, but I celebrate making it through the last year with my sanity and my body mostly intact. And today, I’ll be doing something I love: reading to kids. I’m reading to two classes for World Read Aloud Day via Skype, and then in my own kids’ classrooms. And then I am going to eat a giant piece of cake for lunch, because if there’s anyone who deserves a giant piece of cake, it’s this birthday girl.